Abuse can take on many shapes and forms, from physical to sexual to emotional. From abusive partners to abusive bosses, it can be hard to always recognize abuse, especially when it’s more subtle abuse rather than outright. One of the subtler types of abuse that is commonly used is gaslighting. A form of emotional and mental abuse, the goal of gaslighting is to have the victim start to question their own perception, to destroy their confidence in their ability to tell right from wrong. It keeps them from being able to tell what’s actually happened versus what’s something they just made up. The term gaslighting will often come up when talking about different forms of abuse, whether child abuse, domestic violence, or even toxic relationships with friends. But what exactly is gaslighting and how do you recognize it?
While the abuse itself has existed for generations, the term gaslighting comes from the 1938 stage play, Gas Light, which was made into a film in both 1940 and 1944. Throughout the story, a husband is trying to get his wife committed to a mental institute so he can have an easier time searching for jewels in the attic. These jewels being ones that once belonged to a woman he murdered. In order to convince her and others that she is insane, he starts making small changes in their home, and then lying and saying nothing has changed when she points this out. As the name of both the play and the abuse tactic suggests, one of the things he does is turn down their gas lights, but then denies anything is different when she points out how dim the lights are getting. The term gaslighting itself has been used since 1960 to describe a similar form of abuse. By denying that certain things happen, whether significant moments in the victim’s life or even just minor incidents, the abuser is forcing the victim to question their own perception of reality, much as the husband did in the play. In more modern media, a perfect example of gaslighting is Mother Gothel in Disney’s Tangled. Throughout the movie, Mother Gothel twists the truth about the outside world, gaslighting Rapunzel into believing it’s a terrifying place in order to keep the girl locked away in the tower.
Gaslighting can take on many forms depending on the abuser, but it always will boil down to one specific aspect: their denial of the victim’s reality. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has identified six different techniques that an abuser can use to gaslight their victim: withholding, denial, countering, denial, trivializing, diverting, and stereotyping. Withholding is when the abuser refuses to engage in a conversation, sometimes pretending they don’t understand what someone is saying so they don’t have to respond. Abusers may state that the victim is confusing them or they simply don’t understand what they’re talking about. Denial is when the abuser pretends they don’t remember events or what happened. For example, a victim might bring up an abusive episode and the abuser tells them that it never happened and they’re remembering it wrong. Countering can play into denial as well, as it’s when an abuser questions the victim’s memory. As it sounds, trivializing is when an abuser downplays or disregards an incident or their victim’s feelings. Phrases like “you’re too sensitive” and “you’re so overdramatic” fall into this category. Abusers use diverting to shift the blame away from themselves, accusing others in the victim’s life of giving them such ideas and questioning their credibility. Finally, stereotyping is when the abuser uses negative stereotypes about a person’s race, gender, sexuality, etc. to manipulate them. For example, this occurs when an abuser states that “women are always so emotional” to discredit the feelings his female victim has. No matter what form this abuse takes, it can cause severe harm to the victim’s psyche, causing them to question their experiences even years after the abuse.
While gaslighting is most often talked about in romantic relationships, it’s found in many other relationships. From parents abusing their children to bosses gaslighting their employees, and it even shows up in politics. According to psychologist Elinor Greenberg, there are three main reasons that an abuser will gaslight a victim. They may want full control over the victim, using gaslighting in order to separate the victim from their friends and loved ones. They may not like something about a victim and use gaslighting to change it, whether it’s how the victim acts or dresses. Finally, the abuser may be trying to hide something from the victim, using gaslighting to cause the victim to distrust their own beliefs and turn the situation back on them. To abusers, gaslighting can be seen as an easy way to manipulate and control their victim. With only a few words or comments, the victim starts questioning everything about their reality, doing the hard work while the abuser just sits back and stirs the pot every now and then.
So what do you do if you think you’re being gaslit? The first step is to start gathering proof. The abuser’s sole goal is to cause you to doubt your reality, so having physical proof will help mitigate this. Whether it’s screenshots of conversations, journal entries detailing what’s going on, or even recording conversations (be aware of recording laws in your area before doing this), having evidence to look back on can help greatly when you’re starting to question your own memory. If possible to do safely, start distancing yourself from the abuser. Time and space can help you solidify your own thoughts so they’re harder to discredit by later abuse. Finally, again if you can do so safely, cut the abuser off if they show no signs of changing their behavior. It doesn’t matter if the abuser is a friend, family member, or significant other. Anyone who is willing to gaslight you does not deserve a spot in your life if they aren’t willing to stop the abuse. You deserve happy and healthy relationships, and not have to be constantly questioning whether or not your memory is correct.
